The hardest truth about transformation. (and why your clients need to hear it)

Sunday, Aug 24th - 7-minute read

Hello Heather,

Happy Sunday!

This morning, while on my morning pooch walk through the Northumberland countryside, I witnessed something that stopped me in my tracks.

A sheep had somehow managed to get its head stuck through a gap in the stone wall. It was bleating frantically, pulling and pushing, but every movement only made things worse. What struck me wasn't just the sheep's predicament—it was watching the other sheep gather around, clearly wanting to help, yet completely powerless to do anything meaningful.

It wasn't until the farmer arrived and the sheep finally stopped struggling, allowing itself to be guided backwards through the gap, that freedom became possible.

As I watched this unfold, I realised I was witnessing the exact dynamic that plays out in every single transformational session—including yours.

You know that moment when you can see exactly what your client needs to do, but they keep hitting the same wall?

When you've tried every technique in your toolkit, yet something invisible keeps blocking their progress?

When you're absolutely certain you could help them breakthrough—if only they'd let you?

That invisible force has a name, and understanding it will revolutionise how you approach every client interaction.

So grab something warm to drink, find your favourite spot, and let's dive deep together.

The Unconscious Permission Slip: Why transformation begins with a decision you can't see

Here's what 20+ years of working with the human psyche has taught me: No matter how skilled you are, how powerful your techniques, or how much you care about your client's breakthrough—transformation cannot happen without an unconscious permission slip that only they can write.

This isn't about conscious willingness. Your clients might desperately want to change. They might have invested thousands in courses, therapy, and coaching. They might cry in your sessions about how much they want things to be different.

But deep in the unconscious mind, there's a gatekeeper that decides whether change is actually safe enough to allow.

And here's the part that challenges everything we're taught about helping people: You cannot override this internal permission system, no matter how good your intentions.

The uncomfortable truth about resistance

If you have ever tried to work with someone close to you, maybe a family member, then you’ll really ‘get’ this one. I have had members of my family ask for my help and I’ve given my time freely. However, they’ve been looking for a magic pill, expecting me to wave a wand and see things change. They’ve then called what I do rubbish. It’s a classic example of the Drama Triangle.

It can have you starting to question your abilities. Then something clicks with your family member and they have a breakthrough. "I just felt ready," they might say, as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

Their unconscious mind has finally written the permission slip.

Here's what I'd been missing—and what the sheep in the wall taught me this morning: The very act of pushing against someone's unconscious resistance often strengthens it.

The unconscious mind has one primary job: keeping us safe. When it perceives change as a threat to our survival (even positive change), it activates protective mechanisms that we experience as self-sabotage, procrastination, or what we call "resistance."

Your client's unconscious might be protecting them from:

• Success (because it could mean losing important relationships)
• Visibility (because it once meant danger)
• Feeling powerful (because they learned early that power wasn't safe)
• Being truly seen (because vulnerability led to hurt before)

What this means for you as a practitioner

Understanding the unconscious permission principle completely transforms your role. You shift from being the "fixer"/”rescuer” trying to break through barriers to becoming the "space holder" who creates conditions where natural transformation can unfold.

Stop measuring your success by how quickly clients change. Some unconscious systems need months or even years to evaluate whether transformation is safe. Your skill isn't in forcing faster timelines—it's in maintaining consistent, safe space regardless of timing.

Check if They Are ready, Before You Accept Them as a Client: Use the 1- 10 check, before working with someone. Ask them, “on a scale of 1 to 10 (where 10 is absolute commitment and 0 is complete unwillingness), where are you when it comes to doing what’s required to make the change?”

Start noticing the subtle signs of internal readiness. Clients who are unconsciously ready show specific patterns: they take action between sessions without prompting, have spontaneous insights that surprise them, and naturally shift their language from "I always..." to "I used to..."

Trust that your expertise lies in creating safety, not forcing breakthroughs. When you stop pushing against resistance and start working with the unconscious permission system, you become incredibly magnetic to clients who are actually ready for change.

The three-phase unconscious transformation process

Real transformation happens in three distinct phases, all occurring below conscious awareness:

Phase One: The Awakening Something shifts in the unconscious that allows the client to truly see their current reality without the usual defensive filters. They might say, "I never realised I was doing that," or "Something feels different, but I can't put my finger on it."

Phase Two: The Green Light The unconscious evaluates whether change is safe and begins to withdraw its protective barriers. This is when clients suddenly say things like, "I'm ready now" or "Something just clicked." Like Maria signing up for that presentation.

Phase Three: The New Normal The new way of being gets woven into their identity at the deepest level. Change becomes effortless and sustainable because it's internally sourced rather than externally imposed.

Your job is to create conditions where these phases can unfold naturally—not to force them to happen on your timeline.

The practitioner's dilemma: When love isn't enough

This brings us to the hardest part of transformational work—accepting that you cannot save someone who isn't unconsciously ready to be saved.

I've seen brilliant practitioners burn out trying to break through their clients' unconscious barriers through sheer force of will and technique. I've watched loving family members exhaust themselves trying to help someone who simply isn't internally available for change.

The sheep in the wall this morning couldn't be helped until it stopped fighting the very assistance it needed.

Your clients can't be transformed until their unconscious mind writes the permission slip that allows it.

This doesn't make you powerless—it makes you surgically precise about where your influence actually lies.

Working with the unconscious permission system

So how do you actually work with this invisible decision-making process?

Develop language that speaks directly to the unconscious:

• Use permissive phrasing: "You might find yourself noticing..." instead of "You should..."
• Invite rather than instruct: "What would it be like if..." rather than "You need to..."
• Plant seeds instead of forcing flowers: "Part of you already knows what's ready to shift..."

Become comfortable with timing that isn't yours: Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is acknowledge where someone is without trying to move them forward. "It makes complete sense that you're not ready for that yet" can be more transformational than any technique.

Learn to recognise unconscious readiness:

• Natural action-taking between sessions
• Decreased emotional charge around core issues
• Spontaneous insights and realisations
• Language shifts that happen without coaching

The liberation in letting go

Here's what happens when you truly embrace this principle: You stop taking responsibility for outcomes that aren't yours to control, and you become incredibly effective at facilitating the changes that are ready to happen.

You also start attracting clients whose unconscious systems are already primed for transformation—because your energy isn't pushing against resistance, it's creating space for natural unfolding.

Most importantly, you model for your clients what it looks like to trust the wisdom of timing, showing them that they can trust their own internal process instead of forcing change from willpower alone.

The ripple effect of internally-sourced change

When clients experience transformation that comes from their own unconscious permission rather than external pressure, something remarkable happens: They become internally sourced changers rather than dependents.

They learn to trust their own timing, recognise their own readiness, and take responsibility for their own transformation process. This creates lasting change because it's built on their own internal authority rather than your expertise.

Like Maria, who went on to become a sought-after speaker—not because I convinced her she could, but because her unconscious finally decided she was safe to be seen.

Your week ahead: A practical challenge

This week, I invite you to notice where you're pushing against resistance instead of creating space for natural unfolding.

In which client relationships are you trying to convince rather than invite? Where are you measuring your skill by their timeline rather than trusting the process?

What shifts when you stop trying to force permission and start creating the conditions where it can be naturally granted?

Pay attention to what you discover. The unconscious responds to observers, not controllers.

Choosing Happy Podcast Update

I published 3 episodes this week as I try out my new format, and I rebranded, revamped and jiggled it up a bit for my Podcast.

The new format reminder:
Weekly Episode Structure:

1. Monday Myth-Busting (10-15 mins)

2. Wednesday Wins (15-20 mins) - Real stories from real people

3. Friday Fail Forward (20-25 mins) - What went wrong and what we learned

All episodes are available at www.choosinghappypodcast.com or on your favourite podcast platform/app.

Start With AI Update

The new Podcast is live and you can listen on your favourite app or here on the website:
https://www.startwithai.online/podcasts/start-with-ai-podcast.

There are daily episodes aimed specifically at Transformational Practitioners, to support them in this shifting time.

The 5-day email course is helping transformational practitioners integrate AI into their businesses without losing their human touch.

Join us at www.startwithai.online

That's almost it for this week!

I have been beta testing Comet, an Agentic Browser. This is going to reshape the internet and how we do things in all areas of our lives. I demoed this in my LinkedIn Newsletter last week.

Follow the podcast or the LinkedIn Newsletter, to help you take control and become the director of AI rather than the other way around.

That's it—may you trust both your own timing and that of everyone you serve.

The coffee and chat offer remains open, always.

To your conscious creation,

With all my heart,

Heather

Heather V Masters

Chief Coach, Writer, Trainer and Facilitator of Magic

Email: [email protected] or [email protected]

P.S. Forward this to a practitioner who needs permission to stop pushing so hard. Sometimes the most transformational message we can receive is that we're allowed to trust the process.

P.P.S. You might just be surprised at how AI can give you more time to do what you love while automating the rest.