The real reason healing feels unbearable

Sunday is often the only moment we slow down enough to notice what we’ve been avoiding.

This newsletter is designed to be that pause — not for fixing, analysing, or pushing forward, but for seeing more clearly what’s actually happening beneath the surface.

This is the first in a quieter, deeper rhythm for 2026. Let’s begin there.

The real reason healing feels unbearable (and it’s not what you think)

Most women don’t avoid healing because of what might happen.

They avoid it because of what they might feel.

And the mind — clever, protective, deceptive — tells a different story.

It says: “If I open this, everything will fall apart.”
“I won’t cope.”
“I’ll lose control, momentum, identity.”

But that’s not fear of the outcome.
That’s fear of emotional exposure.

Especially for high-functioning women.
Especially for coaches, helpers, and leaders.

You’ve learned to manage life brilliantly at the surface — behaviour, habits, productivity, even insight.
Yet beneath that competence sits a nervous system that learned long ago:

Feeling fully is dangerous.

So avoidance becomes intelligent.
Busyness becomes protection.
Self-sabotage becomes safety.

Here’s the truth most personal development avoids:

Your resistance is not weakness. It’s an overworked survival strategy.

I know this pattern from the inside.
For a long time, I told myself I was avoiding certain conversations and decisions because of the potential consequences — rejection, disruption, loss.
The truth was simpler. When I slowed down enough, I could feel my chest tighten and my breath shorten.
Nothing was actually wrong yet. My system was reacting to the anticipation of feeling.

This is why “trying harder”, reframing, or even insight doesn’t shift the pattern.

If we look at this through Dilts’ Logical Levels, the mistake becomes obvious:

• You keep working at behaviour and environment
• The block lives at belief, identity, and emotional capacity

Not because you don’t understand —
but because your system doesn’t yet feel safe enough to feel.

And here’s the reframe that changes everything:

Opening your heart doesn’t make you fragile.
It increases your capacity.

Emotional openness — when approached with regulation, not overwhelm — builds resilience, not collapse.

So let me give you something practical.
Not healing. Not digging.
Capacity-building.

A simple heart–brain coherence practice (2 minutes)

This practice is drawn from HeartMath research and is used to increase emotional tolerance and nervous system regulation.

1. Sit comfortably. Place a hand gently over your heart.
2. Breathe slowly, imagining the breath flowing in and out through the chest.
3. Bring to mind a neutral or mildly positive feeling — steadiness, appreciation, gratitude (nothing intense).
4. Stay here for 90–120 seconds.

That’s it.

You are not processing trauma.
You are training your system to experience emotion without threat.

Practise this daily for a week and notice what shifts:

• Less avoidance
• More self-trust
• A quieter inner narrative
• A subtle return of aliveness

This is how resistance softens — not through force, but through safety.

2026 doesn’t require you to be fearless.
It requires you to be emotionally resourced.

From resistant…
to regulated…
to rising.

If this resonated, stay with me. We’re going deeper — carefully, intelligently, and without losing yourself.

With warmth and clarity,

Heather

Heather V Masters
Coach, writer, and strategist helping humans reclaim identity, time, and impact

Choosing Happy: choosinghappy.space
Start With AI: startwithai.online

P.S. Next Sunday, we’ll explore what regulation really means — and why safety, not courage, is the gateway to change.