What happens after you burn the boats?

Grab a cuppa, it’s time to continue our exploration of ‘going all in’ and staying all in.

How do we stop ourselves form building rafts and life boats when things get hard?

Last week I wrote about burning the boats—about full commitment, about not keeping the old life as an option.​

But there's something most people don't talk about...

...What happens after you choose.

When Calm Looks Like Something Else

Recently I was on a call with Sue Knight discussing AI—the opportunity, the risk, the sheer pace of change happening in our world right now.

At one point she asked, "How can you be so calm?"

The truth is, I wasn't calm because nothing was at stake.

I was calm because I could feel the fear without becoming it.

That's regulation.

Not breathing techniques.
Not staying positive.
Not pretending everything will be fine.

Regulation is the capacity to stay present with uncertainty without abandoning yourself.

The Patterns We Don't Name

The world is accelerating. Technology, culture, identity—everything feels unstable.

Without regulation, intensity feels like danger.
And when the nervous system reads danger, it looks for safety.

Safety can look like:

• Withdrawing
• Overworking
• Over-explaining
• Building quiet escape plans
• Abandoning the very thing you chose

Let me show you what this looked like in my own life.

After caring for my parents for four years and losing them both, I withdrew completely. I live in one of the remotest villages in England—and that wasn't accidental.

Some of that withdrawal was necessary. I needed space to recover, to get my energy back.

But part of it was dysregulation. Living in someone else's world, trying to hold it together without space to let the emotion flow.

I also became hyper-productive.

Two podcasts.
Two newsletters.
A whole host of courses built without clear invitations or follow-up.

On the surface, it looked driven.

Underneath, it was fear.

Fear of visibility.
Fear of success.
Fear of being fully seen.

What Regulation Actually Looks Like

Imagine you're about to give a presentation—one of the most universally feared experiences. Your heart's racing, your hands are sweaty, your mind is screaming "RUN!"

Regulation isn't making those feelings go away.

It's standing there, feeling all of it—the fear, the uncertainty, the "what if I mess this up?"—and still walking onto that stage.

It's being present with what is, without freaking out about it.

The external world will move.
Regulation determines whether you move with reaction or response.

The Offer That Landed Quietly

Here's a specific example: putting out an offer for something you've poured your heart into, and getting... silence, crickets. Or a "less than" response.

The dysregulated response is: "This isn't working. I'm not doing this anymore. I'm a failure."

The regulated response is: "Okay. What's the gift here? What's the feedback I'm receiving? Where could I do better? What's missing?"

I know "gift" might sound like spiritual bypassing. It's not. It's a reframe that creates agency when you're drowning in reaction.

Or if that language doesn't land for you: "What's the data here? What am I being shown about what needs to shift?"

And here's what I discovered was missing in my work for a long time: myself.

Not my effort. Not my expertise. Not my content.

Me.

The willingness to be vulnerable, to show up fully, to hold space for myself—not just for others.

I was offering my skills while hiding my humanity. I was teaching presence while being partially absent. And clients—conscious or not—could feel that gap.

That's what's changed over the past few months. The willingness to be seen, to be present, to stay.

Because once I can hold that capacity for myself, it ripples out. It gives others permission to be who they are too.

Regulation as Sustainability

Last week's newsletter said: you cannot begin a new life while keeping the old one as an option.​

This week I'm saying: and regulation is how you stay with the new life when your nervous system wants to rebuild the raft.

Choice is cognitive.
Commitment is behavioural.
Sustainability is physiological.

Regulation allows you to:

• Feel disappointment without quitting
• Feel fear without shrinking
• Feel uncertainty without scrambling
• Feel grief without building a wall

It's not about suppressing emotion.

It's about allowing it to move through you without outsourcing your centre.

Leaning Into What You Haven't Seen Yet

There's a question I'm learning to sit with when things feel dark or difficult:

"This is a gift. What's here for me that I haven't seen yet?"

Not searching for the answer. Not forcing positivity.

Just staying present to the possibility that even when something takes you to your knees, there's something for you to learn, to lean into, to expand into.

And recognising that everything—even the hard stuff—is an invitation to grow.

This Week's Practice

Notice this week:

• Where do you withdraw when things feel intense?
• Where do you become hyper-productive to avoid feeling something?
• What would staying look like—not forcing, not fixing, just being present?

Try this: Before your next client session (or difficult conversation), pause for 30 seconds. Name what you're feeling without trying to change it. Then step forward anyway.

That's regulation in action.

What's Happening This Week

Choosing Happy Podcast – This Wednesday (18th February), I'm exploring relationships—specifically, how our relationship with ourselves is the primary one, and the only person we're truly responsible for. It's raw, it's real, and it connects directly to what we're exploring here: how regulation is the foundation of every other relationship we'll ever have.

Listen at choosinghappy.space

Start With AI – Behind the scenes, I'm building an AI toolkit specifically for NLP training schools, hypnotherapy programmes, and Huna practitioners. It launches 1st March and focuses on fixing leaky enrolment journeys and integrating AI without losing the depth that makes transformation possible.

More details coming soon at startwithai.online

Claiming back my time.
Growing my impact.
Leaving a joy-layered legacy.

Much Love,

Heather

Heather V Masters

Coach, writer, and strategist helping humans reclaim identity, time, and impact

Choosing Happy: choosinghappy.space
Start With AI: startwithai.online

P.S. Burning the boats doesn't mean force. It means consent. And regulation is how you stay with that choice, safely and without self-betrayal.